Amy Louise Irving

A Bit Of Everything Blogger

Sunday, 7 July 2019

07/07/2019


God. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re never going to come through our front door again. You’re never going to tell us jokes or make us happy when we’re upset. You’re never going to see us grow up into the women you want us to be. It’s been 9 months already. I still can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. But I have too. Everyday is so hard without you here. I never really related to the grieving process in the beginning months. I just blocked it out. I thought I could. I turned to drink for my coping mechanism but everyone told me that wasn’t the way to go unless I wanted to end up dead too. I stopped drinking so much. I started to write. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Everyday. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, anything I would normally feel that the alcohol would block out. I don’t know how to feel normal at the moment. There’s things I want to do with my life. Places I want to go. People I want to be with but I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want everyone around me to know that I’m sad. So I keep it in. All in. But that, isn’t good. I am finding ways, more ways to cope with my grief without needing to stop people talking about it because it makes me upset. Grief is not easy. It’s not an easy thing to go through for anyone, at any age, no matter how long your love ones have been gone, it gets easier. I just know I’m not there yet and that’s okay. But I need to stop pushing people away that want to help me cos I’m gonna end up with no one left if I keep doing that. I miss him so much but nothing I say or do is going to bring him back. I just have to take each day as it comes. If it’s a happy day then great, if it’s a sad day then that’s okay, if I have more sad days than happy days, that also is okay. The point is I’m alive. I’m healthy and I’m breathing. A lot of people in this world don’t get that privilege so I’m going to live and make the most of the time I have left.
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